I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
