my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
