The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
