Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
