i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
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