No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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