Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
