how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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