I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
