I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
