Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
