I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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