I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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