You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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