You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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