12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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