I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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