That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Randomize
