I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
