he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
