Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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