I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
