I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
