Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
