4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
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i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
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laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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