One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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