bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
