New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
