does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
