Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
