he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
