That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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