just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
