i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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