I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
