Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I would ride that face into the sunset
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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