I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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