Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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