I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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