Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
my being single is dangerous.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
