Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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