Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
So much Jack, so little girl.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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