I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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