I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
