walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
