I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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