grandma shit on top of the toilet
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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