Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
