What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
