an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
