I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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