I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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