You smell like a Billy Joel song
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
