i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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