Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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