just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
