so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
