She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
